EXODUS REVEALS EXPENSE CLAIMS SHOCK

12th May 2009

THURSDAY LATEST... 

1994, Indian Ocean Coast: Overnight some inventive fingersmiths used a bamboo pole with hook to purloin Exodus Guide's clothes through the reinforced bars of beachside rondavel. Clothes, Zippo, Sportsman cigarettes, keys and rather more seriously trip funds were all missing when he awoke. His naked desperate pilgrimage to find some new threads added both poignancy and sympathy to his case and the funds were re-instated. The cigarettes and lighter not. His claim that his clothes were a mixture of Hugo Boss and Aquascutum were ignored and he was only permitted the regular C&A wardrobe allowance.   

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As sordid financial revelations continue on how MPs have feathered their nests (plural), we can remain reassured over their probity as they have all said sorry. Whilst crocodile tears course down their greasy faces, they relax knowing their profession is exempt from the jail term their pernicious profiteering would garner in any other. Our taxes are paying for essential swimming pools, paddocks, gardens and thatching . The whole sorry business smells as much as the Somerset MP's claim for 550 manure bags.

Expense claims are a tiresome part of any business, however some of the ones claimed by guides from the UK's longest running adventure company have kudos and veracity just by their very nature. Trawling through years of dog-eared claims has been rewarded by a few choice ones now free of the official secrets act. This is not about a scandalous abuse of office, merely a startling expose of 35 years on the road:

Nepal, 1999: Glossy receipt ($30.00) specially produced by high alpine Maoists for their ‘protection’ over trekking groups in the high Himalaya, signed, dated and stamped. (now framed at HQ) Paid.

Zimbabwe/Botswana border 1995: Pay off to border prison officer to release guide from jail (incarcerated for the heinous crime of his engine number not matching that on the yearly passage du carnet ) $130, receipt written on back of prison library ticket. Paid.

Uzbekistan 1993: To get trekking group to new starting point a helicopter pilot was located and paid ..... in vodka, bought draft in Moscow (500 Roubles) and put in two litre lemonade bottles. Simple supermarket receipt for vodka. And Lemonade. Vodka paid, lemonade declined.

Sofia - late 90's: Delay in the capital on way back from exhausting Rodopi Mountains trek, guide fell asleep watching porn channel. Claimed for eight hours (he was tired) - agreed to pay for the standard (allegedly) ten minutes. Charge: 12 Lev. Paid

Sri Lanka 2003: £40 for new Nokia phone stolen by curious Langur monkey on Sigiriya Rock (apparently reception is very sharp on top). This is not to be confused with the Blue Monkeys stealing guide's camera at 3700metres on descent of Mt Kenya with her summit photos. Camera (£279.00, film £4.95 ASA100) and phone both paid. Monkey's SMS bill declined.

Zambia 1992: Passenger with serious larium induced (malaria prophylactic) neurological issues insisting on seeing local witch Doctor near Kafue National Park. Sangoma's services and dinner were charged in Dollars, unsurprisingly and came to $18.00. Far fetched but the receipt on page from truck log book soiled by two squashed mosquitoes ensured payment.

Nepal 1978: Thatching, Pokhara. Three overlanders slept on the flattish roof of local villagers. Roof collapsed involving no hi jinks, it was claimed. New roof $28.00. Why so little ? Fortunately one of the passengers was a Norfolk Thatcher and took time out to hone his busman's craft. Paid.

The pilfering Primates would adapt quickly to the insidious ways of the house of commons, and the shadow health secretary could certainly employ the thatcher. Expenses .... can't live without them, and can live very well with them.